I am a bad gardener

I read somewhere that if the garderner is the happiest creature on the planet. It means i am an unhappy human being then. Well i guess so, i don’t like planting i mean sometimes i do it but most of the time what i plant is dead. My brother is good with planting. Whatever he sticks on earth grows. I should ask his help if i want to grow something.

Anyway lately i weed every morning, because i am confused what i should do every day. My head is dizzy all the time either this is because of my dyspepsia or my negative thoughts as doctors and healers say, i have no idea. If that’s so who isn’t stressed now in this world pandemic disaster.

Anyway return to gardening or weeding to be exact. Everyday i wake up in the morning, looking at the ceiling, rubbing my blurry eyes, questioning myself what i must do today? I have no job, it has gone since last March. So i have a lot times in my hands and a lot of stress at the same time thinking about where i will get money for living, luckily my brother feeds me. So the world isn’t crumbling yet.

My brother might think that i am bored and have no idea what to do. Seeing me wearing boxer squating on the path weeding around the house. I am thinking why this unwanted grass grows easily while the roses i plant carefully die? Only God knows. The weed is wet with dew, my nails full of mud, and so my bear hands. This isn’t so bad actually. I can do this every morning. With tunes play in my phone and plugged speaker into my ears, slip the phone into my waist. Music makes weeding easier and fun.

I spend most of my times reading book, writing, watching movies, sometimes giving foot reflexology to my regular customers when they call me, i am lucky they still give me job so i can buy some snacks. Beside that mostly i stay in my room like a picked-papaya layed alone counting days to be ripe. In other day strolling on the beach is my pleasure too, i go alone or my nephew joins me sometimes.

I don’t read news it drives me nut knowing pandemic gets worsen, people protest the government new laws. Leaders criticize this and that. Let the brainiacs handle the big problems. While I am here in my own world with my little brain deals with the bushes and weed. Get my fingers dirty, clawing the soil like dog or cat? Being a bad gardener.

I did the exam for my nephew

Yesterday my nephew came to my room brought a bunch of papers that i learned those were examination. I think it is not an examination but more like homework. Normally exam is in the class room and the brain of the student full of memory one night study preparing for today exam. But since the pandemic the schools have been closed for more than seven months. The student study at home and lessons mainly are sent by teachers through whatsapp apps in the phone.

I know i must help my little nephew, he is in six grade now. I am worried with him most of the time like his parents. Because he is not smart kid and not willing to learn the school subject either. Pushing him to study won’t work. What he loves to do is just drawing racing motorbike and colors them or flying kite all day under the hot sun till his skin darker and make his teeth look whiter.

He asked my help for Mathematics ( which is my weakness in school as well) and English subjects. I did the Math first because it is more difficult. Sometimes i think that the second grade student smarter than him. I hear many times his mother yelling to teach him homework. He tears with helpless look. I think only the special person with highly patience could teach him. For sure that is not me, his mother, his sister, even worse his father.

I have a thought in my mind that i don’t want he has bad memory about me in the future. So i try to be calm with him although i lose my gut sometimes.

I feel like i were the elementary student again because i do all of the test. At some point i did the task quite long because it is difficult for me. I was frustated when he was asking me the answer and i said, “do you think it is easy?”. I held my anger in my head, i reminded myself to be patient again. And he stayed quiet. I felt guilty after that.

I want to be as serene as a monk in the monastery when i help him with his lesson. Sometimes i feel it is not fair while he just stay doing nothing when i do all his tasks, it is not good for him either. But teaching him is useless as well because he doesn’t want to learn or his brain can reach the subject? I don’t know.

Done with the Math and he finished to copy the answers. Next is English, i can do it better than Math. So when i answered them all. I let him do the Hindu religion and other subjects. I gave him my phone to browse in google to figure out the answer.

I hope one day when he is adult he can manage his life better. One thing i recognise is he doesn’t seem to worry about all the subjects in school although he is bad with them. he is cool and easy kid. It is quite different than me when i was in elemetary school. I was restless and worried if i couldn’t do my homework, i even cried waiting my father whose not coming home from gathering in community hall in our village at night to help me with my homework. I fell asleep with tears hugging my notebook and my pecil.

Being good in school doesn’t ensure people to be success in real life but brave and grit do. i have a friend whose not finished his elemetary school and often bullied by our schoolmates but now he is doing good in his life, having good business and success. Some of my friends in high school were bad in academic, rebel and often punished by our teacher, now they seem having much better life than mine.

I hope my nephew is happy in the future and having good life too, although he is not so good in school

Why chicken makes me happy

This chicken came to our house a month ago or so, we found it walking around in our yard. We don’t know where it comes from. So we decided to keep it here. It is a kind of special chicken in the world of our ritual, we need this chicken for certain ceremony. We call this type of chicken sudamala. The feather grows inverted, spiking like man hair style that i see in barber shop. That makes the chicken special. But i do hope my brother won’t sacrifice this little chiken for ceremony or fry it when they are bored with tempeh, tofu, or salted fish. I prefer this white little one still alive like our dog as our pet. I am very happy seeing this cute little one in our yard.

I think it is a male one because the comb part is growing bigger. Usually when the comb is small it is female. Anyway that is what i know about it, not eager to check the chicken either. He is not too afraid when my nephew takes him and play with him. In evening when my nephew feels bored he takes and carreses him.

In the morning this little buddy is walking around the house, looking for food, catching thing in the grass. He eats the red spinach, pecking its trunk. I think the chicken like spinach. My nephew feeds our other chickens in the cages with spinach and giving them rice as well. I enjoy following his bony legs and claws stepping in the yard,  his head moves forward precise and constant like army.

For me seeing animal like chicken or bird picking food with their beaks is giving me a sense of joy. Impromtu going here and there for living but in certain purpose is the way they do. They know how to live simple. Wake up in the morning, streching legs and feathers, thank you for the life where they can still breathe today. Move their legs to find food for the tummy. Stay under the shaddy place in the heat day, when the sun goes down they are ready to end the day as well. Chat a little with family or friends and going to sleep.

Their life is simple and modest. No stress, no need to think too much, no worry about future nor regret the past. They live in the present moment, now. Walk when they walk, eat when they eat, and sleep when they sleep. So natural but that is life to really do things in mindfulness. I think i must learn for this little chicken. Knowing this put a smile on my face.

In the afternoon when the birds come down, i will throw some seed on the yard. While the birds eating sometimes he will chase the birds around. I shush him away.

During the day he stays around his friends in cages, i think they are talking with their own private language. Perhaps one in the cage asking what food he gets today or how it feels going around out of the cage. I guess i am too much watching animation, where animal talking like human. So my imagination plays in my head.

Penampahan Kuningan

This is what i like on big day. Helping my brother prepare special cuisine, lawar. I grated the coconut, papaya, while my brother prepares the pork. My smiling nephew is here too helping what we need.

Happiness means stay together and cooking. The joy is coming from anything of ordinary life. Although going for holiday is beautiful but stay home is not bad either.

I can’t eat be balung today

One thing is essential on Galungan Day is eating be balung. But my tongue can’t taste it today, what is the point of galungan without be balung? My tummy is funny from dyspepsia i must avoid jackfruit in this autentic balung. Everybody enjoys it today.

I hope next Galungan i would be able to have balung as much as i want. But anyway i am glad i pray on Galungan day with my family. I love them

Hopefully my sisters will come today with their husbands. I love family gathering. Happy galyngan day everyone.

Cook for Galungan day

My brother cook for Galungan day tomorrow. Everybody is busy now. Today is the day as a kid that i was waiting every seven months. The only day i could eat lawar. My late father chopped the pork and his mouth squeezed tight like top of cocacola bottle, moved to left and right following of his hands chopping the pork. I would stay by his side as his assistant, to give anything he needed in cooking process. “Get me lime!” as he ordered, i would sprint to our rotten kitchen asking my mother what my father needed.

Now my brother does what my father did. I idoled them both. I help to prepare the ingedients too, like peeling, slicing, and frying onion, garlic, and other ingredients like chilli, mixed of all the spicies seasoning which is the important ingredients for the cuisine. To cook the pork, grated young papaya, coconut meat, jackfruit to become autentic lawar cuisine. I love lawar just like every Balinese. It is spicy rich in flavour, and the chopping grilled pork tastes like delicacy from heaven.

My nephew will eat more than my portion, Soon he will be towering me. He becomes handsome teenager in a few years. I bet he will grow to be a big and tall guy.

I have memory with this lawar. Every house cook it. The louder sound of cleaver against cutting board in every house is the sign of Galungan day is coming tomorrow. It is like acustic music opening for a great celebration on Bali island.

What a nice tradion i will love for good. Being among my lovely family makes everything feeling complete. What is better than to gather with the loved ones? Happy Galungan Day everyone.

A Little bird

I, my nephew, my sister in law and little girl are sitting on the floor. I enjoy the morning light, while they are nibbling peanut. My heart smiles being with them, my family.

The little bird is flying down, knowing that we will feed it. My brother bought the seed just for the bird. Later in the afternoon the will be more of them.

How this happens. Here the story, Maybe a year ago my brother had bird, his friend gave him, every morning he feeded it in the cage. Put some water as well. One day the cage was empty, i asked my brother. He released it because he was busy so he could not look after it.

Later day the bird flew and perched on the frangifani tree in our yard. Maybe the bird missed going home, our house. My brother threw some seed on the yard. They hopped down to help itself. Then every day more bird comes, we love to feed them.

I love this activity, feeding them is like feeding my soul. Peace emerges in my mind seeing them walking on the yard and eating the seed.

My dear and strong sister

My lovely sister and her husband

My sister is my hero, sometimes i feel guilty because i haven’t done much for her. When i was 12 years old i almost did not continue my school because our father passed away. She told me that she would pay my school and my brother. So we had finished our Senior High School. She is a great sister, she is always thinking about our family. Even though she went to school only 6 years but she has life experience more than i have. She knows what to do for her life. Her word is matter to me. i mostly ask her advice when i have difficult decision to make.

She is in the kitchen frying corncake for breakfast. She is definitely a good cook. Whatever she cooks always yummy. She likes spicy food. I like it too but my tummy doesn’t. I have problem with digestion. I must avoid chilli which my sister adds in the food frequently.

Her husband sometimes jokes, ” Look! Your sister cooks salted fish with chilly like fire”. I was laughing ” i know right.” But we admit that the taste never fails us, delicious, we love it.

In the morning before sunrise she rides her scooter to buy grocery, cooks them in the kitchen. At eight o’clock she goes for work and returns home at five to do house chore. It repeats every day. She is always busy and does not have time to do exercise.

She is strong woman, but lately she says her back is really painful. She is a hard worker, she used to work in building house. Now she cannot do it anymore then she works in furniture workshop. She is approaching fifties now, it makes her unable to do hard work.

She smiles at me as i approach her, ” my back is better now, it is not so pain anymore when i bend, i do exercise you suggest me.” I smile knowing it, i am glad it works on her. She continued her words, ” i have extra money 400 k from picking flowers but i have given to doctor 700 k for my backache. It is wasting of money! And nothing happen to my back”. I feel sorry for her, but i don’t know what to say.

Last night i showed her how to do  exercise for sciatica, stretching and bending the legs and lower back, relaxing the tight nerves. I got the video in youtube. I have back pain as well, it works on me, so i asked her to do it. I am so glad she gets the benefit as mine.

I have my breakfast, hot steam rice with corncake and long bean, spinach with coconut grated. It is so yummy. My sister is best. My brother in law joins to have breakfast as well. I am so lucky having such loving family.

Sunday morning

I check my phone this morning, and find a message of my nephew inviting to go to the beach. I replied okay. Some other nephews join too.

I have been here for countless times, i love beach there is a longing to come here if i am not stepping my feet on sand for quite awhile. My two nephews are busy taking photo and video. They love their phone so much just like me and many others.

I let them do what they want. I feel good when i can be with them and grant what they want. It makes me glad and useful knowing them happy.

I walk on the sand followed by my younger nephew, he likes playing with sand. The wave is big leaving little space for people to walk on the sand.

There are some people fishing, a chubby man squats and doing something with his fishing tool. I come closer, he unhooks a fish sized four fingers, i ask him what fish is it. He answers me but i can’t hear what he says because the deafening of wave swallows his words.The fish is jerking on the sand, i feel sad seeing fish leaping and dying, i don’t know why i just feel terrible watching animal being tortured. So i walk away.

I think many people like fishing because any beach i visit i see people fishing. I am sure it is not the way they do for living. Like my brother said fishing makes him peace. He releases his stress through fishing. Maybe this is kind of meditation for some people.

I do some stretching here, i find a video in youtube for exercising of my sciatica. I practice it few days already. My lower backache is ease, it is usually pain and stiff for only 15 minutes sitting. Now it is much better after this exercise.

The ocean boosts my energy. Some people are jogging, sometimes they are running from the big wave rushing toward them. One my nephew lost this sandals because of the wave took them to the see.

My nephews are finished taking picture and video. We are going home, on the way home i am thinking what i can do more good things today.